Poison Apple

Some people claim to be addicted to their Apple products. Turns out it might be true. Everyone always assumed that Apple gear (iPods, Macs, iPhones, etc) have sold well because they are well built and user friendly, but a recent police investigation has determined that they are actually infused with small amounts of LSD, that the user absorbs slowly through their skin, creating a sense of wonder and euphoria.

One of the first to get suspicious that something might be rotten with Apple was legendary music producer Quincy Jones. Jones, one of the world’s foremost music experts, found that a song was always better when heard through his iPod than when he listened through his top of the line, outrageously expensive stereo system. “I thought maybe it was the experience of wearing headphones, isolating me from the world that made the music more incredible” says Jones. “Turns out it was because I was high as a kite.” At his urging, a research team from Columbia University began testing Apple products and found the drugs were present in almost every item Apple sells — the only notable exception, the Apple TV, which still sells poorly no matter how high the consumer base.

Scientists say that the amount of LSD absorbed through the skin is not enough to harm a human being, though it has been shown to be fatal in laboratory mice. The dose is just strong enough to make the user relaxed and happy, explaining why people become so attached to their Macs and iPods. Researchers also say this might explain the pretentiousness and strange superiority complex that almost all Mac users seem to have, though they say further study is needed to be sure.

[Editor's Note: Yes, this is an April Fool's joke]



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